


tell me it's alright

by fairyrennies



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Implied Insomnia, M/M, Not Beta Read, author is venting leave her alone, but hes ok i promise, can you tell i wrote this in the middle of the night, i dont care /that/ much about my vent fics, its not that bad, ive done worse, not a scrap of plot, rated for mild language, renjuns sad, thats pretty brief though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:47:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22945000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairyrennies/pseuds/fairyrennies
Summary: renjun can't sleep.he's sick, he's tired, and he has no idea why he can't stop crying.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 4
Kudos: 122





	tell me it's alright

**Author's Note:**

> last night sucked and i didn't sleep. so now this exists.

it wasn't unusual for renjun to lay in bed for hours, sandwiched between two sleeping bodies, staring at the ceiling until his body physically couldn't stay awake anymore. for as long as he can remember, he's had trouble sleeping. he didn't mind too much, since the years of this "habit" resulted in being able to function with under 6 hours of sleep on a regular basis.

what _was_ unusual, however, was the sudden burst of sadness leaving tears streaming down his face, burning his eyes as he tries to rub them away. well, somewhat unusual. renjun was still young, only in his early twenties, so he had his fair share of emotional deprecation as a teenager. the strangest part was the lack of reason. renjun didn't even know _why_ he was sad. he just couldn't stop crying. 

to avoid waking up the boys pressed against either side of him, he holds a breath while carefully slipping out of their hold. without the combined body heat and warmth of the large comforter, the bedroom was strikingly cold. rubbing his arms, renjun silently leaves the room, leaving the door open just a crack so it wouldn't make that obnoxiously loud creak noise if he tried to close it.

he stopped leaving the apartment in the middle of the night, since he had been out later than expected too many times, resulting in him coming home to two worry-stricken boyfriends awake at ungodly hours of the night. instead, he opted for their small balcony.

the glass door staggered open, showing resistance to renjun's harsh pulling of the handle, but he managed to open it enough to squeeze through. he'd close it when he went back inside. the concrete beneath his bare feet was freezing, so was the nippy winter air, but he at least pulled on a hoodie that was laying over the sofa before coming outside.

today hadn't really been renjun's day. winter always sucked, because renjun's immune system never seemed to remember how to fight off the same illnesses he gets every year. usually, he gets a minor cold, nothing too bad. this year, he must've gotten something worse. he lowers himself to the concrete flooring, slipping his legs through the bars holding up the railing, just wide enough to fit. god, it was awful. he had to leave a class early after throwing up in one of the bathroom stalls, then he had to skip the rest of his classes for the day.

walking home from campus in the middle of the day sucked, too (there was no point in driving in the city unless you were a rich, upper-class asshole who had too much time and money to waste. he also forgot his wallet at home, so no public transport). his legs felt like they'd give out at any second, and his head was spinning like he would drop to the ground in an instant.

it stressed him out enough when he already felt so behind on classes. even though he knew he was doing fine, he couldn't suppress the demon gnawing at his soul. 

nonetheless, he made it home in one piece (only physically, he would argue). his face burned with an oncoming fever while his body shudders with chills, and his throat felt like ashy sandpaper after heaving up most of his breakfast. the memory made him shudder with disgust. he didn't even bother taking off his coat, only throwing his bag on the floor before rushing to the bathroom to wash out the lingering taste in his mouth.

as he shuffles to the kitchen, mouth sufficiently flavored with listerine, his phone buzzes with a text from his mom. she must've heard his voicemail. maybe it was childish, but renjun always called his mom when he was sick. she always offered the recipe for her sworn by, "cure for all" soup, but that was too much effort. next best option was plain toast. it was easy on the stomach and something that renjun could at least keep down.

in renjun's opinion, it was a really shitty day. it didn't really get much better. all he did was lay around and watch shitty movies on Netflix by himself in the bedroom with the lights off. he made a half-assed dinner, drank some water, but still felt like he was possibly dying. 

but he ended up here, sitting on the floor of his balcony, watching the street stories below his apartment, the occasional car flashing in and out of his sight. and yet, for some reason, the tears wouldn't stop. something in his brain, though, insisted that he must be sad about something. and this the process of too many thoughts all at once came flooding over him, only making him cry harder.

he wasn't sure about what was really bothering him. missing classes always stressed him out, since he paid so much money just to be in them. it didn't help that he always held feelings of failure whenever he thought about uni too much. some of the classes were kicking his ass, but were necessary for his degree. what was he even going to do with an art degree anyway? it was a hopeless industry.

as if adding salt to the wound, he still had classes tomorrow, and he'd be damned if he missed two days in a row. but with his current position, still wide awake, he'd be getting at best four hours of sleep. while he could easily function on less than average, that was really pushing it. to make matters worse, he'd been establishing a decent schedule lately too, managing to fit in a good eight hours a night. all that has gone to shit.

and like it wasn't enough, renjun's demons knew renjun as well as himself. well, it was his own being after all. his dark thoughts knew all of his insecurities and made fun with poking at the worst of them. so when his thoughts drift to deeply suppressed feelings regarding his relationship, his heart pulls in his chest.

as much as renjun knows his boys love him and he's simply being emotional, he can't control his headspace filling with negative thoughts that have only passed through his mind briefly. though they never left completely, rooting in the dark, scary parts of his heart. 

what if he doesn't belong with them? long before they even met renjun, they were inseparable. like two halves of a whole. they were an unstoppable force to be reckoned with. something perfect, free of damage. renjun was all damage. it was times like this he wondered why he was even here in this moment. why would they pick him of all people? rational renjun knows that he fits perfectly with the two, but rational renjun is gone with the slivers of his pride at the moment. all that's left is wallowing in his own hand-crafted self-pity. some parts of him want to run, other parts want to punch a wall, but majority rules just plain giving up. it's sad, really. that's always the go-to around here. 

by now, he's cried most of his tears. his cheeks are numb with bitter cold, but he presses the side of his face to the metal bars of the railing regardless, watching the street with no real purpose other than to decompress and regain at least some logical thinking. he doesn't process the sound of the glass door opening further right away, but he instantly recognizes the body sitting next to him without even looking.

"bad day?" donghyuck asks simply, throwing one end of a large blanket over renjun’s shoulder, the other ending covering his own. his voice was rough with sleep, so he must've recently woken up. renjun nods silently, picking at a loose thread on his joggers that probably weren't his own pair. "we figured."

"mark is here, too. he's just too much of a pussy to come outside," he adds, running a hand up and down renjun's arm, half holding him in some sort of side hug situation. he can't tell if it's supposed to be a comforting action or to warm him up. he'd take either, honestly.

"i'm not a pussy, i'm waiting for you two idiots to come back inside." renjun knows mark probably peeked his head out the door to say that, and that donghyuck most likely turned his head to mock him or stick his tongue out as a response. that's just their thing, he supposes.

"is it alright if we talk inside?"

renjun had no reason to be stubborn, and his ass was about two minutes away from freezing off. he nods.

the three sit at their makeshift table (really just a few stools around a small kitchen island) while renjun pokes at some reheated takeout chinese food. it didn't really taste like most of the food in china, but he appreciates the effort. he did promise to eat something too since his meals tended to be small and sporadic when he was sick. 

"are you feeling better?" mark asks, likely referring more to the sickness, with that soft tone he uses when he's worried. it's cute, really, and renjun's heart swells just a little as he pushes a glass of water closer to him.

"i don't feel worse," renjun responds, pulling the blanket donghyuck left over him closer to his body. he feels that's the most accurate answer he can confidently give.

"i know you don't like missing classes, but i think you should stay home tomorrow," donghyuck suggests, stealing a lukewarm piece of chicken from renjun's plate. "so you can have some time to recover."

really, renjun is too tired to argue with either of them about his state of health, so he opts for seeing how he feels in the morning, which subdues their concerns for now.

"something's bothering you still?"

donghyuck phrases it like a question, but renjun knows it's meant to be more of an observation spoken in a way to get renjun talking. "it's really dumb. don't worry about it."

"who cares if it's dumb?" mark comments.

"exactly, mark is dumb all the time!"

"oh, come on–"

"am i wrong, or–"

"sometimes i feel like i don't belong here," renjun mutters amidst their playful bickering. he thought he could just say the words without being heard and that would be it, the weight lifted from his chest. instead, the two fall silent.

"sorry, that was too–"

"no no–" "don't apologize–" "why would–" "i'm sorry–" the two stumble over each other's words so fast renjun can hardly decipher what they're saying until mark ultimately silences them both before speaking himself.

"why do you feel like you don't belong with us?"

suddenly, renjun feels like crying again. "i– i don't… it's just there's this, this thing you two have. like a special bond that i'll never understand. and i don't expect to, not at all! it's not my place to force myself somewhere that's not meant for me. but i guess i feel like that's all i am, is crossing a line i shouldn't touch. and it's not either of you at all, please don't think that. i'm being stupid and insecure and–"

donghyuck cuts him off with a tight hug, which mark joins a second later, and it's enough to stop the words from spilling out, which is exactly what he needs. otherwise, he'd continue his self-loathing speech for nearly an eternity.

"i love you just as much as mark, and never any less. i mean it with my whole heart when i say i love you." donghyuck runs a gentle hand through renjun's hair while the whispered words leave his lips. renjun melts into the touch, his face buried against donghyuck's chest.

mark's arms are looped around renjun's waist, his head hanging near the smaller's shoulder. "i wouldn't want to be anywhere without you. you're so important to us, renjun."

the rest he remembers is his eyes falling shut, heavy with sleep as he succumbs to the surrounding warmth, his thoughts and fears drifting away.

"morning, cutie." renjun slowly opens his eyes, bleary with so much tiredness he can barely keep them open. he hears donghyuck giggle and feels a light peck on his cheek. "you're staying home?"

renjun stretches a little, his limbs falling back to the bed seconds later. he attempts to rub the sleep out of his eyes, catching brief images of donghyuck dressed, bag slung over his shoulder.

"i'll take that as a yes. i'll be back later, okay?" renjun nods sleepily, donghyuck leaving him with an affection ruffling of his hair. it was a mess anyway, so he didn't bother fixing it.

on his other side, mark was still fast asleep. he always slept in late on his days off. right, his day off. renjun didn't waste another second snuggling up to mark's side, his head resting on his chest where he could hear his steady heartbeat. and as renjun drifts back to sleep, he feels mark's arms wrapping around him, keeping him safe and secure.

**Author's Note:**

> ok but after writing this i kinda noticed some parallels to my renhyuck fic omg did i accidentally create markrenhyuck plotless angst lore
> 
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